The first thing people usually think of when thinking of being a mother is the practical needs of a child, right? You know: clothing, food, bottles, and maybe wine — to soothe the parents’ central nervous systems. But what if there’s something missing from that list that could help your children just as much? That “something” is attending to your own emotional healing. Because as it turns out, a critical part of parenting starts with nurturing the inner world of kids.

And that comes in handy when it comes to the wellbeing of your hypothetical, unborn children. Because if you don’t deal with your own unresolved wounds from childhood, your inner child has the potential to affect your actual child.

What’s an “inner child”?

As we grow up physically, our inner child is still there, holding on to these wounds — which, if not healed, negatively influence who we are as adults, especially when we are stressed, hurt, angry, or a situation arises that resembles our past. Ever had a meltdown that seemed a little too big of a response, and not sure where it came from? Yep, that’s your hurt inner child.

In a perfect world, all children would feel safe — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, our caregivers often have their own inner child wounds, preventing them from being able to show up as healthy, whole adults that can fulfill the responsibility to keep a child feeling safe. Though that doesn’t mean your mom wasn’t being a mother — after all, she was showing up with the best tools she had — this can result in children experiencing their own trauma.

• Lack of physical affection
• Not allowing a child to express strong emotions like anger or sadness
• Continual criticizing
• Shaming a child
• Ignoring or missing a child’s need for affection or attention
• Not respecting a child’s boundaries. For example, if a child doesn’t feel comfortable saying hello to a family member and the parent makes them give a hug

So what exactly happens when these traumas happen? As children, we feel unstable in our sense of self (which is still developing), and instead feel that we are not good enough, or that we can’t fully express ourselves because something is wrong with us. We then develop coping mechanisms that carry into adulthood, impacting how we live. And we can see this play out in a lot of ways — like having snap reactions, using the silent treatment, experiencing larger than life feelings and reactions that don’t match the circumstances, dating emotionally unavailable people (yes, holding on to that toxic relationship is also an indicator of a wound), taking others’ actions too personally, and more . So you can see: Not healing has a rippling effect that’s larger than life.

It’s time to heal

We start healing by looking at our family dynamics and understanding how those dynamics influenced us — and led us to create coping mechanisms that we hold on to. For example, if you had a parent that frequently criticized you when you cried, you may have learned to shut down and repress sadness. As an adult, you can take a look at those dynamics and your own patterns, get curious, and then place your adult self in the parent role to begin to reparent yourself. Yep, you need to start by being a mother to yourself. (Which also happens to be great practice before you become an actual parent!)

• Journaling with curiosity and non-judgement to become attuned to yourself (because often parents are mis-attuned to their children, meaning needs, desires, and emotions weren’t met or went unseen, which can be very painful)
• Practicing boundaries and putting yourself first
• Speaking to yourself as a loving, kind, and wise parent. Try being a mother by writing letters to the younger you in this voice.
• Seeking professional help. A mental health professional can help guide you as you begin your healing.

And while none of this can go back and change your childhood, it can be incredibly healing. Which puts you in a better, healthier place to parent.